Taiwan has been amazing. And nothing that I could type nor explain could give the full realistic presence that I'm able to experience every single day. I'm surely going to miss this place when I head back to the States as I say goodbye to all the new friendships that I've created. But lately, It feel like I have been living a flash back life for the past few days...
It's been 3 years. Which seems like an eternity, but I've been re-living that exact night over and over again in my head. It feels like something that.. Actually, I know that I will never forget that moment. Nor the next few days that followed.
= 3 years ago =
I just finished my sophomore year of college, which I think may have one of the best years of college. First year of playing Lacrosse and made friends that I still have to this day and had countless amounts of memories from my apartment complex to lacrosse parties and to lacrosse tournaments. I arrive back to my good old home town. All my best friends just arriving back into town. Thinking. Man, this summer is going to be awesome. I had a great job lined up, planning to make upwards of 10 grand that summer. Just super stoked to be able to work with my best friend as we spent countless of hours roofing houses.
Roofing is a bitch of a job, but I loved every second of it. I always have this one memory when I look back to it all.
= 1 year before =
"It was one of those early morning gigs. Like most morning,
He said, "I'll pick you up at 5:30 am"
Another house. Which meant cash money. Couldn't turn it down.
He tells me, we need this front part torn off and ready by 10:30. Can you do it?
I reply, "You know who you are talking to?"
We both laugh and he goes to buy materials/get the delivery of the shingles lined up.
Took about 3 hours and by that time. The Sky was that perfect blue with just enough clouds
to make you think, damn summer is here. "
This is where I think I have a slight photographic memory. Not amazing like some, but I definitely think I have a little ability in it.. I should practice this skill.... but this is the scene/ snap shot of what I will always remember.
I'm standing there on the roof, completely finished the front part. Clean up is done and I'm just waiting for Billy to come back. I'm standing on top of the roof leaning on the shingle shovel enjoying the weather. But what my memory portrays is a 3rd person view. The scene zooms out to see the house as a whole, seeing the scenery in the background along with the blue sky and fluffy clouds that fill the sky. It stops at the certain point to where you can still see me standing on the roof enjoying a break as Billy's red truck comes into view from the highway with the lumber yards shingle truck behind him. That's the picture/memory that I will always remember.
I'll also remember him saying, "Holy shit, I wasn't expecting you to be done."
But back to that summer where we had lined up apartments and houses to fill the entire summer up. I really had a solid future planned out. Be that teacher that I've always wanted to and so that I could coach football and basketball. During the summers I would work full time with Billy at this construction firm. Man, I thought I had it all figured out.
= May 15th, 2008 =
All I remember is I went to a Brave's baseball game in my hometown to meet up with Joe. Catching up about his first year of college and that we should play lacrosse this summer as I just joined the WSU team. I remember Billy calling me asking me if I wanted to go play basketball with him later that night as Waseca had started a men's league. I thought about it, but I realized that I didn't have shoes nor shorts and didn't want to go all the way back home and back into town. (For those that don't know, I live in the country. Yep. I'm a country boy.) I remember I just said, I'll catch you tomorrow. Especially to talk about the tattoos that we were planning to get in a couple of days.
I just got home, just about to crawl in bed. My phone starts blowing up. Texts and calls from everyone. "Is he alright. I heard he died. Who died." I couldn't believe it. There was no way. Looking back, I remember that I knew everyone was wrong. There was no way he died. No way. I rushed downstairs grabbed my keys and sped to his house. I just kept saying, "his red truck is going to be there"... I get there, nothing. Somehow I stayed calm and said to myself he's probably just at his mom's house.
This moment, I will never forget. This moment is what still haunts me at night.
I pulled up. Got out of my car and walk to the house. I remember seeing Billy's sister's boyfriend at the time. On this cold summer night, I could only muster out the words, "Don't tell me it's true."
I don't think I needed to even see him nod to know it. I just collapsed on the ground. I don't think I've ever been such a mess before. I don't know how long I sat there, in disbelief.
When I look back to that night, I see this 3rd person picture/scene, of me sitting there in the grass in the glow of the lights coming from the windows. I'm a wreck and just laying there face down. I can see Bobby and Luke come out to the car to make sure I'm ok. I also see people in the windows but in the form of black figures. I can barely see the night sky above the house but can clearly see the shine of the moon from behind the trees. Such a picture perfect scene but yet for such a terrible time in my life.
It's been 3 years since that day. I was a pallbearer, probably one of the toughest things I have ever done. Forever putting my best friend, my brother, and the person I looked up to most down into the ground. Sadly, I haven't been back since. There's this road that goes to the cemetery but it has a left turn you can take right before you travel a few minutes to get there. I have sat in my car in that exact spot so many times when I go back home. I can never go forward. I always take that left turn. I do promise that someday I'll be able to do it.
It honestly feels like it happened yesterday. It's crazy that some memories have such an impact on your life that it sets off all 5 of your senses and you can almost relive it. (at least tell me that I'm not the only one that has these memories) I know I have come a long ways from that day. I've learned a lot about myself and grown up quite a bit. (surprisingly...) I mean, I would have never thought I'd be on the other side of the world back then. I never thought I'd actually graduate college. I never thought I'd turn out to be a half way decent intelligent person. I guess it's just crazy for me to look back at my life and see how far I've come since then.
I've learned how to play guitar 10x better than I was back then. I've finally come to an understanding of how to play basketball and I've actually read a few book for fun. I learned not to debate, but yet strive for dialogues where its not always about who is right but yet to understand where everyone is coming from. Most surprising, I can have a conversation in a whole new language.
I just wish that I could reflect with you one last time. Maybe on that road trip to Mystic that we always used to take. But I should bring this to an end, as I know you would be kicking my ass if you knew how much time I have spent talking about you.
Much Love and See you in the next life, BHP.
Nate Miller
PS. I just wish that all my friends could have met him. And I wish he could have met all of you too.
